Jessica is my baby. After Brittany was born, we debated whether to have another child. We went through genetic testing and the chance of us having another child with a disability was the same as anyone else. There was no genetic findings. So, I decided I wanted another child. A combination of just wanting another little one to enjoy, wanting to take the pressure off my son and also someone for my son to have in the future (I am an only child and I didn't want him to have the burden alone).
So my little Jessica Hope was born. (Hope because of 9/11). I had a rough pregnancy with gestational diabetes and having to give myself shots (which left me with anxiety). Anyway, Jessica was born and from day one, I noticed she wasn't sucking correctly. Call it a mother that has way too much experience..something wasn't right. The nurse in the hospital (the bitch) told me that I wasn't taking feeding seriously that they were getting 2 oz in her. Now if I was a new mother, I would have been hysterical crying....feel like a failure. But this baby came out of the hospital over 1 pound lighter. They lied. They didn't get the food in her.
On her first checkup, I said to the pediatrician...find something physically wrong with this baby or I'm going to jump (if it wasn't physical it was cognitive). He looked at me and said---she has no uvula. I grew up with this doctor my whole life. So I said.. don't BS me, really what is wrong (I don't want to tell you what I thought the uvula was...and he was looking in her throat-lol). A uvula is the thing that hangs down in your throat. I reality, she had a soft cleft palate. I wanted to die. I ran home and did a google search and came up with a story "The case of the missing Uvula". So needless to say, it goes on to say that you need surgery and that many children turn out to be developmentally delayed.
Okay, so this is where I lost it. And I admit it. Jessica is now 3 1/2 years old. We had the surgeries, we had Early Intervention since she was 3 months. I was determined that child was going to eat. And I got her to eat. Jessica is my layer baby. She has a little vision issues, her tubes are always clogged, a little physical issues, OT issues and she doesn't talk yet. She is a smart cookie and understands a lot but there are issues. She is my drama queen. She is a little me and she makes me laugh so much. She kills me when she puts her hands on her hips and give you the evil eye. The girl has spunk!! She's in a special class and I have done everything I could for her. And I admit it, I am angry. I accepted Brittany's issues and I have accepted why Brittany is here on earth. But I am angry about Jessica and that she has issues. I know the whole process of the acceptance and grieving process (I give lectures on it to parents and teachers at school districts). Yet, I cannot move into acceptance with her. I am having a hard time not being upset and feel like I got a real raw deal in life. But I haven't given up hope. I really hope she will talk...she tries. We communicate but that's probably because I have learned how to communicate with Brittany so Jessica is a breeze.
So that' my Jessy, Messy. She refuses to use a spoon, she reminds me of Pig pen from the Charlie Brown cartoons. As soon as she takes a bath, she looks for the dirt. I love my kids so much!! Just thinking about her makes me smile and laugh!
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